me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people