In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?