“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Single and childfree like Jesus
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office