*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
If snakes were wide
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head