Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
when mom throws a party…
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.