Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.