Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
This kid will have a bright future.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.