Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”