My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
You Might Also Like
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The booster protects against what, now?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…