Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.