[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
spot the difference
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies