“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*