i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I’m pretty like a car crash.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working