I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video