Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Birds & Planes.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.