*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like