If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
🤣😈🤣
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.