A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son