It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”