I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Ferrari squats
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit