If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You Might Also Like
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.