I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
You Might Also Like
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.