My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
bout dat hot dog summer
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot