My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
You Might Also Like
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.