i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
never forget
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.