I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Merry Christmas
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.