I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
181.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.