These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”