You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me if I was a dog
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
i can’t wait that long
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.