Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Strangers have the best candy.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.