day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.