Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day