Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
*exercises sarcastically*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party