$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Nice try Hitler
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.