The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Friends that check up on you >
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“The Perfect Relationship”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.