If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
No chill.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Breaking news:
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it