HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?