[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
rise and shine we got egg
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.