People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes