I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming