Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
You Might Also Like
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Saw your ex at the shops
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible