Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker