A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70