Love thy neighbor’s dog
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If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!