During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*