I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
You Might Also Like
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.