It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
You Might Also Like
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?