Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*