Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
You Might Also Like
Happens to everyone.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.