Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh